Tuesday, 10 April 2012

Fear - help or hindrance?

What is my number one fear – it’s not the all too often used ‘fear of failure’ or it’s dichotomous twin ‘fear of success’.  No, my number one fear – because I spent some time with it this afternoon (link to roots of she) is ‘Depp’ – my fear of all encompassing depression and anxiety and going back there.  And that can be pretty crippling.

Over the past few years I have let it stop me from being creative, from letting go and being my authentic self.  In all honesty I really hit rock bottom – and that place to which I never want to return – almost 9 years ago.  I spent 3 months, more or less, in an alternative dimension.  It’s all a bit of a mish mash and only now do I recognise the stuff I was going through as perhaps having a label ‘anxiety’: that feeling of  my mind being on a roller coaster and not being able to stop, so many thoughts and none of them getting me anywhere. ‘Depression’ staying under the duvet in my own little cocoon where none of ‘it’ could effect me.  That horrendous feeling of having no control over my own life – and not particularly wanting to have any because ‘where would I start, it was all such a mess’.

Part of my stopping was due to my doctor’s description of why I’d hit this place.  Apparently we are like pressure cookers, we are filled up with stuff with a little breathing space on top that stops us from ‘boiling over’.  And when there is too much ‘stuff’ in there we cannot go on.  And so in order to stop myself from going back there I stopped with the ‘stuff’.

The problem is the ‘stuff’ I stopped was the authentic stuff, the stuff that I was really made of.  The ‘stuff’ that was ‘excess to requirements’ at the time.  I went for the simple life of working 9-5 in a what I envisaged as a pressure free environment (No environment is without pressure – and that’s not necessarily a bad thing).

On my path of Simple Abundance and Authentic Living I have slowly realised that my depressive and anxious tendencies are more of an authentic cry from within that I am moving away from my true values.

I’ve spent a lot of this holiday weekend ( I extended it a little) getting back in touch with the happy, creative, liking my own thing, me that I’ve been missing.  Hence my latest ‘soundtrack’ pinterest board.  And making peace with my fear I now see him more as a friendly dragon guarding me from what could be.

If you are constantly coming up against some fear that is holding you back then I strongly suggest you have a conversation with it - and get to know that part of you.  Turn the lights on and invite it in or tell it you don't need it any longer.

And so whilst giving into the indulgence of my Thonton’s Easter Egg I’m going to put this post to bed.  For tomorrow is another day – and one where I intend to do a whole lot of stuff...
Catherine @ The MacsX

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