Sunday, 31 March 2013

Not so much the April Fool

Artwork by Catherine at The MacsX

I found the above quote in my 'Day Book of Comfort and Joy' by Sarah Ban Breathnach.  The first time I read it I probably felt completely lost and pretty hopeless.  The amount of rain we have here in the West of Scotland there's been plenty in my almost 48 years to wash the whole town away never mind just little old me.  Still I have come to realise that all is not lost - there is a beacon of light at the end of the tunnel. (And it's not a big train coming from the opposite direction).

Despite my gung ho post last month I have gone to ground these past few weeks.  Stressed, exhausted and yes, even a little depressed I finally hit the wall of 'no more'. Having a sick child takes away any 'self indulgence' of climbing under the duvet and hiding away that may have been indulged in the past, and right now seems like a really dreamy prospect.  Even a Jennifer Aniston Day is a distant longed for memory.

I feel like I've been trying to go at full tilt with the handbreak on for the past 9 months and the engine has finally given up the ghost.  So it's time for some reassessment and to figure out just what's important. Each time I have hit this invisible wall in the past I go back to core values and my key priorities.  Key is health and happiness.  As overwhelming as the frustration of not being able to figure out the health issue is, I need to get the engine going again.

Everything has been up in the air and I guess it's time to get grounded.  As much as everything else loses its importance life does go on.  And now, perhaps more than ever, it's important that the form that life takes is the right fit.  That it is true.  That it is authentic.  And that, at long last, it is real.  No more pfaffing about.  I've gone through internet overload, too much information, too much advice, too much of everything.   Going through my pinterest boards I came across this.

What I was really looking for was this:

Despite everything that has been going on there is something I think about every day. And that is running a successful business.  And April 1st seems like as good a day as any to start over again.  This time I'm not starting from scratch I'm starting with a whole truck load of resources.  So taking one day and one step at a time the first step is to do some spring cleaning and get things in order and realise just what I already have.

Let the games begin,
Springing the changes.

Sunday, 3 March 2013

The Last of the Usual Sunday BS - Putting a Pin in It

Things have been simmering under for quite some time now and I think it's finally time to let go.

I’ve been working on some new designs combining my love of textures and embroidery and my love of words; spoken, written and unsaid.   The piece illustrated blow being one of my current works in progress.  I'm hoping to add this piece to my Etsy shop this week as it really sums up where I'm at right now.

 I make no secret of the fact that I have been fighting an ongoing battle with depression.  I've finally conceded to writing in my journal, letting the truth out.  And today's journey has been quite enlightening.  I guess it was inspired by this pin I found earlier in the week and my updating The MacsX in all areas, this week will bring the changes.

Can Be Found Here

So today’s journaling brought me to this revelation.  The first time I fell, I crumbled, I climbed under that duvet cover and did not want to come out - until I switched on my TV and flicked from channel to channel watching a plane crash into the twin towers.  Yeah, I climbed back up out of my first recognised fug on 9/11 or as we say here in the UK 11/9/2001.  It's been going on a while.  The second time was a couple of years later and spurred on by something that happened on this very day 03/03, 03/03/03 to be precise.  I'd been using up all my reserves to fight a battle against an organisation that seemed to have no core values, or if it did they were way out of zinc with mine.  I took some time out and returned to continue the fight.  And the third fall, well that's usually time for a submission and in a way I guess I did because I packed up and walked away.  So, in a pretty fragile state, I decided to step back, jump off the corporate ladder and engage in 'less responsibility'.  When I fell for the fourth time I got some help and learnt how to cope with things, putting some coping mechanisms in place - the word 'STOP' springs to mind.  At this point in the tale I would encourage vigilance, because coping mechanisms are just that, they are not about change, they are about acceptance and we must be careful of what it is we accept.  So when I fell for the fifth time I took some time out, enlisted some truly professional and never forgotten help, and not only rebuilt my reserves but recognised my values and although not fully recovered went back to carry on.  So equipped with  some valuable insights I was a little more prepared when I was knocked down for the sixth time - so much so that I fought the injustice of it all and won a battle but not the war.  So licking my wounds, confidence levels around zero I took the 'self preservation' path and went on to loose track of the 'big picture' and somehow manged to ignore all of the white noise.  When the sucker punch for fall number seven came along I didn't really see it coming but I believe that the work I've done until now has stood me in good stead.  It took me a while to realise, I find it really difficult to sit still and quiet in an environment that on the surface appears to support my core values but on the underbelly not only  goes against but blatantly disregards them.  I have been put in the position to do something about this on a number of occasions but like the man who turned away the lifeboats and helicopters waiting on God to make it right, I've missed the whispers and depleted my reserves. But unlike him I've been doing the work to keep me in shape - mentally if not physically.  I've not made that uncalled for rebellion against supportive medication and recognise my strengths, have rebuilt my confidence and am ready now to take on the war. If some of this seems cryptic or is awakening the buzzers in your brain bare with me because all will be revealed.

My experience with depression, stress and anxiety, my life and career experience with employment law and the many influential and open contacts I have been blessed to meet have made me ready to address the lack of knowledge and ignorance to conditions that exists.  In the words of Lee Iacocca "In times of great stress and adversity, it's always best to keep busy, to plough your anger and your energy into something positive."  And I am truly ready to plough.

Today’s post is a bit of a long one and really doesn’t resemble the Usual Sunday BS much. At last I can see the shape of things to come.  And I can see what I've been working toward and am ready to unveil The MacsX   in all its authenticity.

Look out for Spring changes.


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