What is
my number one fear – it’s not the all too often used ‘fear of failure’ or it’s
dichotomous twin ‘fear of success’. No,
my number one fear – because I spent some time with it this afternoon (link to roots of she) is ‘Depp’ – my fear of all encompassing depression and anxiety
and going back there. And that can be
pretty crippling.
Over the
past few years I have let it stop me from being creative, from letting go and
being my authentic self. In all honesty
I really hit rock bottom – and that place to which I never want to return –
almost 9 years ago. I spent 3 months,
more or less, in an alternative dimension.
It’s all a bit of a mish mash and only now do I recognise the stuff I
was going through as perhaps having a label ‘anxiety’: that feeling of my mind being on a roller coaster and not
being able to stop, so many thoughts and none of them getting me anywhere. ‘Depression’
staying under the duvet in my own little cocoon where none of ‘it’ could effect
me. That horrendous feeling of having no
control over my own life – and not particularly wanting to have any because ‘where
would I start, it was all such a mess’.
The problem is the ‘stuff’ I stopped was the authentic stuff, the stuff that I was really made of. The ‘stuff’ that was ‘excess to requirements’ at the time. I went for the simple life of working 9-5 in a what I envisaged as a pressure free environment (No environment is without pressure – and that’s not necessarily a bad thing).
On my path of Simple Abundance and Authentic Living I have slowly realised that my depressive and anxious tendencies are more of an authentic cry from within that I am moving away from my true values.
I’ve spent a lot of this holiday weekend ( I extended it a little) getting back in touch with the happy, creative, liking my own thing, me that I’ve been missing. Hence my latest ‘soundtrack’ pinterest board. And making peace with my fear I now see him more as a friendly dragon guarding me from what could be.
If you are constantly coming up against some fear that is holding you back then I strongly suggest you have a conversation with it - and get to know that part of you. Turn the lights on and invite it in or tell it you don't need it any longer.
And so whilst giving into the indulgence of my Thonton’s Easter Egg I’m going to put this post to bed. For tomorrow is another day – and one where I intend to do a whole lot of stuff...
Catherine @ The MacsX
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