Fear - help or hindrance?

What is my number one fear – it’s not the all too often used ‘fear of failure’ or it’s dichotomous twin ‘fear of success’.  No, my number one fear – because I spent some time with it this afternoon (link to roots of she) is ‘Depp’ – my fear of all encompassing depression and anxiety and going back there.  And that can be pretty crippling.

Over the past few years I have let it stop me from being creative, from letting go and being my authentic self.  In all honesty I really hit rock bottom – and that place to which I never want to return – almost 9 years ago.  I spent 3 months, more or less, in an alternative dimension.  It’s all a bit of a mish mash and only now do I recognise the stuff I was going through as perhaps having a label ‘anxiety’: that feeling of  my mind being on a roller coaster and not being able to stop, so many thoughts and none of them getting me anywhere. ‘Depression’ staying under the duvet in my own little cocoon where none of ‘it’ could effect me.  That horrendous feeling of having no control over my own life – and not particularly wanting to have any because ‘where would I start, it was all such a mess’.

Part of my stopping was due to my doctor’s description of why I’d hit this place.  Apparently we are like pressure cookers, we are filled up with stuff with a little breathing space on top that stops us from ‘boiling over’.  And when there is too much ‘stuff’ in there we cannot go on.  And so in order to stop myself from going back there I stopped with the ‘stuff’.

The problem is the ‘stuff’ I stopped was the authentic stuff, the stuff that I was really made of.  The ‘stuff’ that was ‘excess to requirements’ at the time.  I went for the simple life of working 9-5 in a what I envisaged as a pressure free environment (No environment is without pressure – and that’s not necessarily a bad thing).

On my path of Simple Abundance and Authentic Living I have slowly realised that my depressive and anxious tendencies are more of an authentic cry from within that I am moving away from my true values.

I’ve spent a lot of this holiday weekend ( I extended it a little) getting back in touch with the happy, creative, liking my own thing, me that I’ve been missing.  Hence my latest ‘soundtrack’ pinterest board.  And making peace with my fear I now see him more as a friendly dragon guarding me from what could be.

If you are constantly coming up against some fear that is holding you back then I strongly suggest you have a conversation with it - and get to know that part of you.  Turn the lights on and invite it in or tell it you don't need it any longer.

And so whilst giving into the indulgence of my Thonton’s Easter Egg I’m going to put this post to bed.  For tomorrow is another day – and one where I intend to do a whole lot of stuff...
Catherine @ The MacsX

No Compartments - Just ME

When I started blogging again it would seem that I was still a little 'compartmental'.  So, I've gotten over it and deleted the other blog and am keeping it all here - just me.

As such I'm cheating a little and going to use my post from yesterday to update here today
so, albeit Monday I'm adding a little

Sunday Morning BS 

 (sometimes it's brainstorming and sometimes it's just B.S.)

I like to check in on a Sunday and do some brainstorming.  I had kind of got into the habit of writing Sunday BS at the top of the page and then just  going with the flow.  Some days I can come up with some good product ideas, I can remember a list of things that I really need to get to – like filing receipts, or realise some good creative excursions to take or just a getting organised sort of thing.  But sometimes it really is just B*** S***.  Or, so it would seem.

Often what seemed like BS one rainy Sunday morning was actually a spark of something better to come.  It was my authentic self gently nudging me toward my authentic path, encouraging me to think outside the box.   Really?  As Matthew McConaughy would say “B*** S***.”  I’m trying to get  this blog going with something deep and meaningful to get across some sense of authenticity and so far I’ve got nada.

This weeks BS has been about creating some form of Blog Schedule and putting together a list of possible subjects/titles  I’m writing about creating my authentic business and the epic journey this has been and still is.

I’ve spent this week embarking on some social networking.  I didn’t realise that ther ewas so much good stuff on google – and that the people I really feel a connection with can only be a tweet away.  And so I’ve discovered some great blogs, some awesome sites and some great tools for getting my S*** out there.

One of the great things that has hit me again and again this week is that there are no short cuts to a Truly Authentic Business.  Yes, there are guides and there are tips on how to get there.  But the whole point of the Authenticity is that at the heart of it is you – or should I say in this instance me.  And I am what makes my business different.   And now that I know who am I can really get this party started.

So for this week I’d like to yell out a big Happy Easter and an even bigger Thank You to all the authentic and inspirational voices that have come into my life this week and helped me get my plan down.

NOW FOR THE IMPLEMENTATION.....

Catherine @ The MacsX

ADVICE

My Pin for Today

I've Got A Little Time....

I’m sitting here on my couch enjoying the idea that this is a holiday weekend – Happy Holiday Weekend.

This week I embarked on a course about creating time at www.artellaland.com.  I tried to stay awake for the first live feed on Wednesday/Thursday but I’m afraid my reception for smiley happy people at 1am had worn a little thin.  However,I did sit down with a coffee this morning and listened in to the goings on.  And in a much more receptive frame of mind I came away with some lessons learnt and reinforcements to my foundations on authenticity.

I participated in the ‘artsignment’ and have my Creative Clock to show for it.  I actually have my ideal 'creative clock' on my kitchen wall already but I'll save that for another day.

I’m definitely on the ‘touchy feely’ vibe today and looking forward to checking in later with Jamie Ridler and basking in the Full Pink Moon that is with us today.  I’ve been working on my moon board – I’ve gone for the eco friendly cutting and pasting scenario and I’m putting this out there and hoping to see a lot of wishes unfold over the next few weeks.  I’ve just realised I forgot to add the pic of ‘my Mercedes m class’, I’m not sure that I’m quite ready for that right now.

Also this week i’ve been rolling with Take 15 at http://www.getsomeheadspace.com  and definitely spending a lot more time in the here and now – and as a result getting a lot more done and feeling a lot better.  And wouldn’t you know the universe is conspiring to reinforce it all and sent me the http://pinterest.com/pin/240872280040325559/ truth bomb from Danielle LaPorte.

All in all it has been a very good week.

And in keeping with my purposefully arduously dug up authenticity I am going to cut the BS now and get on with doing some work and hopefully earning some money from my business as I get my etsy shop up and running again.  It’s time to get to the ‘refreshing’ part of the ‘destressing and refreshing’ at http://www.etsy.com/shop/TheMacsX?ref=si_shop

Happy Easter Holidays.

Catherine @ The MacsX

Recognising Empathy

I was going to start with ‘in a previous life’ but I have now come to terms with this all being one life.  I don’t want to disown anything in my past because without it I wouldn’t be here.

And so for a little trip down memory lane.  In past relationships I have been with the alcoholic, the gambler, the womaniser – I can truly pick them.  For today's subject I’m going to focus on the alcoholic.  Because, on reflection, my authentic self truly tried to knock down some doors in that chapter.

So I was 22 years old, in love and so sure that no one else knew what my best interests were.  I had found my true love, knew that he wasn’t perfect but I could feel his pain and understand his reasoning and with all of this knowledge I truly believed that I could help him and make that ‘happy’ life that I/we so wanted.  I should note at this point that my initial reaction when I first set eyes on this man was one of ‘s*** this is bad’ – those authentic whispers were there but charging hormones and pure bloodymindedness won over.  So I found myself in London cut off from family and friends (again through choice of my own bloodymindedness) and living what I now know to be one of the most lonely times of my life.  Because basically this ‘relationship’ really only had one active participant – me.  I felt all of his pain and my empathetic vibes being so strong I not only felt it, I owned it.  So much so that I didn’t need to have conversations because I already knew the answers to any questions I might have. I ignored the alcohol replaced with water – which is not so easy to do in London as the limescale in London water kind of shouts out at you.  (Maybe it’s easier to be an alcoholic in Scotland because our water is purer! – and so I adopted the guilt of having taken him to London because that was where I wanted to be.)   I owned those feelings of self loathing, worthlessness and desperation to be loved so much that I made myself ill.  Then one day standing over the kitchen sink my authentic self cried out ‘what am I doing here.’  And I guess I finally used my empathy to my advantage and asked the question that I already knew the answer to – “You need to give up alcohol or I walk”.  And so I walked....  

I do have the great gift of empathy.  I have only recently realised it to be a gift.  I guess because I asked the question brought by the image on my Pin for today.  I looked at that image and figured whoever created that really gets the ‘coin toss’ analogy here.  It can be a gift when you recognise that those feelings are not yours and so not your responsibility.  And yes, you can help – but only when the person in need is ready.

So now I’ve recognised my gift and figured out how I can use it not only for the good of other but for my own advantage – but that’s a whole other blog.

Catherine @ The MacsXxx

Authenticity - The Simple Abundance Path

I’ve spent the last few weeks reading /researching different takes on Authenticity as I have decided that that is what I really want for myself and is ultimately what I’ve been fighting with for the best/worst part of the last 40 years.  And it is what I profess my business to be.

I top up my authentic well each day with some “me time” and a read of “Simple Abundance: A day book of comfort and joy” by Sarah Ban Breathnach.  And I am learning to bring bigger buckets.  I’ve been reading Simple Abundance for almost 5 years now.  It’s not that I’m a slow reader. It is a really long book, but I try to delve in every day and indulge myself in some authentic reflection. 

I went all the way to East Kilbride to buy this book because I just had to have it that day.  I needed something to help me through my anxiety and depression and somehow thought this book held an answer of some kind.  Turns out it held a lot of questions and not all easy.  With the help of Sarah Ban Breathnach and many others , including myself, I have learned to live with my periods of anxiety and depression.  I have slowly realised that they have been part of my journey back to authenticity – a great big cry of ‘Really...’ from my Authentic Self.

Todays ‘diamond in the back yard’ was about trusting our insticts and finding our verve.   I heard a great quote from a Leonard Cohen song ‘we all have cracks, that’s how the light shows through.’  And so I’m getting used to my cracks and realising that I’m not crazy – just creative.

My pin for today sums it up really.  Yes, Really..

Catherine @ The MacsX

What act?

Why is it that every time I announce I've got my act together things seem to go in a downward spiral?

In my last post I was all up, coming up with good product ideas, places to sell and puting thing together. And since then I seem to have achieved/done a big fat nothing. This is not entirely true as behind the scenes I have cleared away a whole load of clutter and gathered together some great fabrics for producing some of my wears. But still I'm not satisfied I want it all to come together yesterday and reach my ultimate destination. And then that little voice in the background reminds me to enjoy the journey.

And so I close my eyes take a deep breath and buckle up - I think it could be a bumpy ride.